port
It's hard. It's really hard. The vision sold about having healthy families did not include a clear indication of the sheer magnitude of effort, time, energy, pain, stress loneliness involved. Oh the number of times the fantasy of quitting comes! But quit to where? To do what? Life has become so intricately intertwined with family and my concept of self is nothing if not fully in service to them. So much so that the void that comes without having them is too scary a thought to even entertain. What's left of me, and will I ever recover that?
I empathise with this! Modern post-industrialisation life has really strained family and the concept of family and self in that context. Firstly, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. A lot of what we think is our load to carry is a load of the world and one thing I have been thinking about is the idea of "letting the ship sink" - it does not infer not putting effort or not caring, but rather when you get accustomed to always running to the rescue, other than burning out, we rob our family members of great learning opportunities for themselves. They may feel they do not have the permission to take agency given the role belongs to another. You might all be surprised how they step up and are even better equipped to handle some situations. We cannot fix people, we can only love them. If that love depletes us, what will we love and create more from? How do you, with intention, step away to find yourself in the mix of this? Maybe a list of who you think you are when you take the attachment to family away may uncover passions you parked that you can begin to explore/re-explore or little ways in which you can find pockets of REST. I understand that a lot is easier said than done. Reflecting may help plant a seed on how to show up for your life in a way that makes living feel more bearable. I once read that family is those we have to survive - ultimately.